The Questions

I don’t know what makes me think my story is so unique. Maybe because it’s mine? I’ve always questioned and wondered. When I was in the Community of the Sisters of St. Joseph, they encouraged self-examination as necessary to spiritual growth.... something I found familiarly easy as I’d done it all my life.

I’ve been told I question too much....that I should come to a greater acceptance of what ‘is’. It’s my nature to question. My acceptance is in knowing I won’t always find the answers or that they will make themselves known eventually....but I never stop asking the questions and some questions continue to be unanswered.

Why, I wonder, am I so afraid of being who I am? Who am I?

I went through the first half of life adapting myself to what others wanted ...how they wanted me to act.... what they thought I should do.... who they wanted me to be. In order to survive in the working world, I learned how to bend and how to blend. In search of love and acceptance, I felt I had to earn it, adapting myself to what was expected...and never fully experiencing. Why?

Now, I’m spending the second half of life unlearning... searching for who I really am, hoping the "real" me didn’t get lost along the way.

Of course it didn’t! The "real" me has always been there. I’d just lacked the courage to let her out. Looking for that courage led to more questions. Sure I would receive it, was I strong enough to accept criticism and rejection? Would people love me for who I am? More importantly, would I love me for who I am? And so began the search....the seeking of my self.

The thing about seeking the self is, we cannot find it without seeing and recognizing God.

I know, no matter what the question... or how many there are... God will always have and be the answer. I just have to stop asking long enough to see and hear.